The most important skill in a major gift conversation is:
seek first to understand, then to be understood.
This takes practice. We oftentimes half listen while formulating our reply. I sometimes catch myself saying “uh-huh” and realize that I’m distracted or filtering for what I want to hear.
Listening needs to be attentive and empathetic. When a donor feels truly understood – and not just acknowledged – the conversation goes deeper. This depth of understanding allows you to tailor your ask to their specific vision for impact. You stop pitching and start facilitating a legacy conversation.
In a previous post, we discussed asking questions that invite reflection. However, a thoughtful question followed by superficial listening is a missed opportunity. As your donor talks, your role is to be reflecting, summarizing, and following up. This helps the donor clarify what matters most to them and helps you understand them more deeply.
Here are four habits of a high-impact listener:
- Be fully present.
Silence the phone and close the laptop. - Do not interrupt.
Even when you think you know where someone is going, let them finish. - Use feedback.
A phrase like, “Let me be sure I understood what you just said.” Confirm that you are listening for meaning, not just content. - Ask clarifying questions.
When a donor mentions something in passing, follow up. “You mentioned your work with the Humane Society – can you tell me more about that?”
Good listening, then, involves your active and meaningful participation. The only way a donor will invest in your project(s) is if they believe you truly understand their position.
At this point, the conversation is set up for the most critical phase. The presentation for the “ask.” Now that you have listened, you can offer a proposal that feels like the logical next step of the conversation.
John V. Clark, President/Partner
The James Company
Phone: (815) 353-8997
Email: jclark@jamescompany.com
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